Relationships take a lot of hard work. But in some cases, that work won’t always pay off. According to experts, some relationships just aren’t really meant to be, given the circumstances
“It’s always so funny to me when people try to fit a square peg into a round hole,” Jennifer Hurvitz, relationship coach and author, tells Bustle. “You’ll keep beating it and beating it, hoping to make it fit. But you just can’t make it change. When you’re with the wrong person, there are certain things that will just never work, no matter how hard you try.”
For instance, chemistry is a big one. You can’t fake or force chemistry. When you’re with the wrong person, it likely won’t happen. “While you may be in like with them, you’ll never be in love with them or have that chemistry you’re looking for,” Hurvitz says. Instead, you’ll probably feel like you’re missing out on something. It may even lead you to start searching for that missing thing elsewhere.
There’s nothing wrong with working hard to make a relationship work. But if you want a long lasting, healthy relationship, it’s important to recognize when you’re with someone who may be wrong for you. Here are some things that can happen when you’re with the wrong person, according to experts.
1. You Feel Bad About Things That Aren’t Really Your Fault
When you love someone, it’s easy to empathize with what they’re going through. The right person will openly accept your empathy and support. But the wrong person might somehow twist things and make you feel like you’re responsible for everything that’s going wrong with their life. Even if you get them to see reason, Christine Scott-Hudson, licensed psychotherapist and owner of Create Your Life Studio, tells Bustle, “They’ll just find a new way to make you feel bad or wrong.” They may not own up to their own flaws, and instead, they might make passive-aggressive comments to make you feel like you’re the one at fault. This isn’t the healthiest situation, and it may be time to consider leaving.
2. You Don’t Get To Enjoy Comfortable Silences With Them
Having things to talk about 24/7 is not really a marker for a healthy relationship. It doesn’t hurt, but it’s not necessary. Because when you’re with the right person, Michelle Fraley, founder and owner of Spark Matchmaking and Relationship Coaching, tells Bustle, silence can be comforting, secure, and connected. “When you’re with the wrong person, silence will be seen as heavy and passive-aggressive,” she says.
3. You Won’t Feel Part Of A Team
You can try to get your partner to see things your way as much as you want, but when you’re with the wrong person, it might not matter. “The wrong partner will be selfish,” dating coach Myles Scott, tells Bustle. “They won’t understand that team mentality is necessary for a healthy relationship. They’ll want their way or the highway and will put themselves before you.”
4. You Have To Guess What Your Partner’s Really Thinking
Good communication is essential if you want to see your relationship grow. The right one will have no problem sharing their feelings with you, even if it makes things uncomfortable. You don’t have to be a mindreader to know what they’re thinking because they tell you. According to Scott, the wrong partner “won’t care enough to keep you apprised of the goings on in their life, nor will they choose to share their feelings with you.” While some people may take time to be vulnerable, take note if your partner never seems to open up at all.
5. Your Partner Assumes They Know You When They Don’t
It’s nice to be with someone who feels like they know you inside and out. But people are constantly changing. When you’re with the wrong person, they’ll stop putting in the effort to keep learning more about you. “They may feel confident in thinking they know what you want, both in and out of the bedroom, and may not take the time or effort to check in with you,” Fraley says. They might make excuses like, “That’s not what you liked before,” which can then leave you feeling unheard or unfulfilled.
6. You Never Get A Chance To Enjoy Being In Your Relationship
If you’re with the wrong person, you likely don’t really get to enjoy being in your relationship because you never get to relax. “No matter how hard you try, if you’re with the wrong person, you will never feel safe,” dating coach Treva Brandon Scharf, tells Bustle. “You’ll always be nervous, anxious, and waiting for the other shoe to drop.” Of course, if you don’t feel safe physically or emotionally, it may be time to reach out to loved ones or a professional for help with exiting the relationship
7. You Question Your Worth
You can be the most perfect person in the world. But when you’re with the wrong person, they’re always going to make you feel like you’re less than. “Being in the right relationship has a way of helping you see your own greatness by acknowledging your strengths instead of pointing out your weaknesses, while reminding you of the reasons why they love being in a relationship with you in the first place,” Angela Lenhardt, life coach and author, tells Bustle. It just feels healthy and gives you the freedom to be who you truly are.
You can try really hard to make a relationship work. You can even give it time and have a lot of faith that things will eventually change. But at the end of the day, some things really aren’t meant to be. If these things are happening in your relationship, and you don’t feel safe, happy, or cared for, you may be with the wrong person, and it may be time to reach out for help to leave the situation.