Aquarius: The Independent One
“Hey, are you … mad at me or something?” — a text you probably got, like, four times this morning already. But who can blame you, Aquarius? You can’t help it if you need your space. You’re a deeply caring partner, loyal as heck, and supportive to the ends of the Earth, but you don’t have any time for scrubs. If someone does one thing to piss you off, that’s it, they’re canceled.
Also, you’re, like, crazy in bed.
How You’ll Meet Your Soul Mate: They’ve been in love with you forever, and one night, you stay up late having an extremely tight and incredibly woke conversation, and it hits you that this is probably your soul mate (at least till they double-text you and piss you off).
Most Aquarius-y Breakup: You ghost them, hard.
Pisces: The Sensitive One
Oh, sweet, sensitive Pisces. You’re such a compassionate partner who has so much love to give that it sucks extra that you tend to date jerks. Listen to your friends when they say they don’t like your latest squeeze — they’re just looking out for you. Your sensitive artistic side shines best when you’re coupled up and have someone to fully appreciate the indie slammers on your Spotify playlists.
Your partners love your artistic interests and how you’ll always be the first ones to introduce them to something. You’ve got kindness and compassion in spades, and you make everyone feel good about themselves.
How You’ll Meet Your Soul Mate: You start following each other after meeting in the Instagram comments of a famous tattoo artist whose work you both admire.
Most Pisces-y Breakup: They cheat on you, and you take them back after they swear up and down that they’ll change. They won’t.
Aries: The Honest One
Aries, you’re a no-bullshit kind of person and that attitude shines through all aspects of your personal brand — from the way you are at work (probably why people are magnetically attracted to working with you on group projects and such) and especially when it comes to dating. You can be a bit moody sometimes and it’s often difficult for your partners to understand how someone so pragmatic can be so touch-and-go. Once you find someone who truly ~gets~ your vibe though, you’re a total ride-or-die B.
Fights with you are a whole new level of intense. Your partners usually do everything they can to avoid starting shit with you, because you do not hold back with the savagery. Nothing is off-limits when someone pisses you off, you’ll go there and back and then drag them there AGAIN as a ghost just to survey the damage you did.
How You’ll Meet Your Soul Mate: You lock eyes from across the room and the sexual tension is screaming. You bone later that night and are inseparable after.
Most Aries-y Breakup: You straight-up just pop off on them in the street one day when they won’t STFU about some petty drama in their life. You realize that this person is kinda two-faced and you’re over it.
Taurus: The Logical One
You’re a practical person, Taurus, and your dating habits reflect this. While everyone else is running around dating toxic guys and falling into unhealthy relationships, you’ve never had to worry about that. That’s not to say that you’re boring; you just don’t really take risks. Why go after that mysterious hottie that’s been locking eyes with you across the bar all night when you already know your friend Ryan from your English seminar is kinda into you? Sure, there’s little to no chemistry, but you’re pretty sure he’s into you after he, I dunno, asked you out repeatedly for three months?
How You’ll Meet Your Soul Mate: IDK, they just hung around long enough that they broke you down.
Most Taurus-y Breakup: You finally dump them after 18 months of tepid dating — after assembling a very methodical pro/con list and sitting on it for a while.
Gemini: The Adventurous One
Your easygoing nature makes you super affable and charming to partners. That’s probably why so many of your relationships have started out platonically. You’re super fun to date because you’re always coming up with date ideas. Mini golf? Sure! Film festival downtown that you’re pretty sure no one under the age of 55 will be attending? Absolutely!
You come across as extremely confident to everyone else around you, even though you may not feel that way inside, so sometimes your nervousness reads as being sarcastic. And while your partners love your creativity and sense of adventure, though your indecisiveness might annoy the shit out of some people (just being real with you, bb).
How You’ll Meet Your Soul Mate: You’ve been orbiting each other’s friend circles for years and one day it hits you that This Is Your Person. You suggest the first date (of course you do, fearless Gemini, lean TF in!) and that’s that! An hour with your charming conversational skills and anyone, literally anyone, will be eating out the palm of your hand.
Most Gemini-y Breakup: They ask you to move in, and you straight-up can’t decide if you want to move in with them or not. After sleeping on it and consulting with 18 of your closest friends (Geminis roll deep!), you realize you probably didn’t even like them that much to begin with.
Cancer: The Salty One
You can be a petty B, Cancer, but you know this already. You can never just accept it when people are into you (even when they so obviously are!) and this leads to the majority of your problems. As a partner, you shine best with like-minded people, but be careful not to fall into the trap of dating, like, a carbon copy of you because — and I say this with nothing but love — that hive-mind mentality of pessimism is not super healthy for you in the long run (though it may feel validating as heck in the moment to find someone else who also hates literally everything on this planet).
Dating you is a ride for sure. You connect with people very intensely (like, four-hour phone calls every night for a week, talking each other’s ears off, after meeting once) and people are very attracted to that. Plus sex with you is like, in one word: fantastic. But your insecurities often cut good relationships off short because you’re quick to react.
How You’ll Meet Your Soul Mate: Mutually sulking in the corner of a party turns to mutually hating on pretentious people, and things turns to mutual love. “It’s whatever,” you say to all your friends, but they see how you light up when they text you a meme about hating the same things you hate.
Most Cancer-y Breakup: They ask you to marry them and you’re like, “Wait, like, as a friend?”
Leo: The Extra One
Oh, Leo. You didn’t even want to read this dumb thing, but a bunch of your friends tagged you, and now here you are! You’re a star and you know it. Your magnetic disposition makes everyone fall for you, and fast. You won’t wait to play games with anyone — duh, you don’t have time! If someone is into you, they better frickin’ broadcast it with the showiest of showy ways. I’m talking a promposal people talk about for years after the fact, a proposal that goes viral, a wedding that gets its own spread in the tabloids, etc.
Once people have earned your attention, you’re one of the most loyal and affectionate partners ever. People love flirting with you, because you’re an amazing conversationalist, quick with the reaction memes, and overall just the life of the party. You tend to run into problems when people say you’re self-centered but so what? You ask everyone what they think of you all the time anyway, so it’s not like it’s a surprise.
How You’ll Meet Your Soul Mate: They kept seeing you tagged in a bunch of pics with their friends and finally gathered up the courage to ask you out.
Most Leo-y Breakup: You were late to their Big Event because you were taking selfies and checking your Twitter mentions.
Virgo: The One Who Ends Up Doing All the Work
You’re a real sweetheart, always working hard and truly Doing Your Best, which is very attractive to your mates because you’re ~independent~. Level-headed and analytical, you approach everything — especially love — methodically. Your partners love that you’re mature and sensible, but sometimes you worry that you’re boring and could be more spontaneous. Don’t be insecure though! They are with you and chose (because god knows, you didn’t chase them) to be with you.
But, um, how do I put this, Virgo? You tend to put yourself last and act as a martyr for things that, uh, don’t really need martyring for? There’s no need to spend 35 hours on your partner’s Valentine’s Day gift because you know they’ll never be able to match your Virgo-level intensity and you may end up just disappointing yourself.
How You’ll Meet Your Soul Mate: Both caught Snapchatting the “Scrub Daddy” display at your local Bed, Bath & Beyond.
Most Virgo-y Breakup: Their friends came over and disrespected your space, made a huge mess, and you couldn’t get over it.
Libra: The One Who Doesn’t Realize How Hot They Are
OMG. Libra. Queen of Dating Beneath Themselves, Always. Wake up, girl!
Stop apologizing to your partners first. I know you’re quick to assume you’re in the wrong but not always, bb girl! You’ve gotta stand up for yourself more. You tend to not be very confrontational, which can be seen as mature with the right partners but is really easily exploited with the wrong ones. Your sparkling wit charms the pants off literally everyone, so it’s a wonder why you’d ever feel like you’re always wrong.
How You’ll Meet Your Soul Mate: He ignored you in class until he didn’t and now you’re in love.
Most Libra-y Breakup: You think you’re totally dating your match until some effing billionaire who made, like, an app or invented Uber catches your eye at a coffee shop and you’re like, “Wait … I’m actually interesting?” Anyway, you dump the tech billionaire for Jake Gyllenhaal later on, so whatevs.
Scorpio: The Intense One
Dating a Scorpio is fun because everyone is a little bit of a masochist. Haha, JK, but, like, you know what I’m talking about. Everyone who knows you knows that you’re legit one of the best people around. Sure, you may be a little skeptical of all your partner’s friends at first, but that’s only because you don’t want your partner to get dragged down for hanging with the wrong crowd!
You’re a very intense person, but you know this, and you rock with it. Your partners always think you’re the best in bed and you take pride in that, as you should! You put hard work into e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g that you do. *Wink*.
Literally all your exes are scared of you.
How You’ll Meet Your Soul Mate: You savagely roasted them on Twitter and it went viral.
Most Scorpio-y Breakup: You wake up one day and they’ve blocked you from literally everything.
Sagittarius: The Funny One
You’re a firecracker, Sag. As the funniest person in your friend group by far, everyone always comes to you for advice and Instagram captions. You’re super charming and your humor is one of the sexiest things about you.
You tend to see the best in people — which can be good, because hey, no games! But this can also be a little unrealistic. If someone has effed you over three times, it’s probably a good indication that, um, they might do it again? IDK, just a guess.
Also: Stop trying to stay friends with your exes!
How You’ll Meet Your Soul Mate: You crack a funny joke at a house party while you’re both struggling to open a particularly difficult bottle of wine.
Most Sagittarius-y Breakup: You go through their likes tab on Twitter to find a meme you both lost it over and you see that they’ve been liking a bunch of their ex’s selfies.
Capricorn: The Grown-Up One
You’re the mom of your friend group and honestly, the one who wears the pants in any relationship. You can’t help it! It’s just the way things have always been for you, O Responsible Cap. Your partners love that they don’t have to worry about you or keep you updated with constant texts and check-ins and shit. They’ll mention wanting to go to “that new restaurant with that theme that you read about in a magazine maybe three months ago” and somehow with zero other identifying info, bam, you’ve got a reservation for two on the books in time for dinner.
You can be a lil snobby and pessimistic, which grinds your partners the wrong way, but once you find someone on your level (Although, let’s be honest: Who could really ever be on your level?), it’s smooth sailing from there.
How You’ll Meet Your Soul Mate: You spot them at your local bookstore, choosing between two books by the same author, and you roll your eyes and scoff, because duh, everyone knows that guy is so problematic. Anyways, you guys have A Whole Talk about it and hit it off.
Most Capricorn-y Breakup: You wake up one day and you’re just like, “I could do better.”